|The Three Little Pigs and What Followed
||[Nov. 5th, 2012|06:13 pm]
Once upon a time in Piggyville, there were three Little Pigs, who wanted to move out on their own.
The First Little Pig built a house of straw. It was a nice house, with soft furniture and since the First Little Pig lived in a low rainfall area, the straw roof was plenty to keep out the occasional drop.
One day the Big, Bad Wolf came along. He went to the First Little Pig's house and knocked at the door.
"Come out, Little Pig," he yelled, "I'm going to eat you."
"Never!" replied the First Little Pig.
"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!" cried the Big, Bad Wolf.
"Do your worst," said the First Little Pig, with a trembling voice.
So, the Big, Bad Wolf stood back. He filled his mighty lungs with air and he huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down. Then he jumped at the First Little Pig and gobbled him up. There were many alarmed headlines in the papers of Piggyville the next morning
* * *
The Second Little Pig decided to make his house sturdier. He built it out of wood and it was a beautiful house. It had a solid front door and a wide back porch overlooking the valleys to the east of Piggyville.
The Big, Bad Wolf was still hungry, though. As an unemployed immigrant from Wolfystan, he was poor and the Piggyville soup kitchen had recently closed due to lack of funds. He went to the Second Little Pig's house and banged at the door.
"Come out, Little Pig," he growled, "I'm ready for seconds."
"Go away," cried the Second Little Pig, "My walls are too strong for you."
"We'll see about that," said the Big Bad Wolf, and he huffed and he puffed, but he couldn't blow the house down.
He scratched his head for a bit, but then he had an idea. He took a can of gasoline, sprayed it around the house and lit it. Within moments, the house was ablaze and the Big, Bad Wolf sat back, listening to the screams of the Second Little Pig and waiting for his bacon to be nice and crisp.
"Barbecue in East Piggyville," the headlines said and there were many worried and angry rumblings among the pigs of Piggyville.
* * *
The Third Little Pig was a bit more entrepreneurial. He dug mud from the river, baked it into clay and made a brick house. It was good and strong, with a solid concrete floor and a quaint little chimney on top. It was so charming that it was featured in Better Pens and Gardens and it was certainly strong enough to keep out both huffing, puffing and arson.
Still, since wolf does not live on bread alone, and since the bread line at Piggyville First Baptist Church catered only to pigs, not wolves, the Big, Bad Wolf was soon wracked with hunger once more. At the end of his rope, the Big, Bad Wolf went to the house of the Third Little Pig and looked it over.
The door was too strong to break, the walls impervious to fire, the windows neatly latched shut. The Big, Bad Wolf walked all around the house, but found no weakness. Finally, he sat outside, wondering what the would do. That's when he noticed a small stream of smoke coming out through the quaint, little chimney on the roof.
Instantly, he knew what to do. The Big, Bad Wolf climbed up on the roof and slipped down the chimney. But the Third Little Pig had expected that. He had prepared a big pot of water for the Big, Bad wolf to drop into and he had a heavy iron lid that he slammed down on top of the Big, Bad Wolf. Then the Third Little Pig turned up the heat and cooked a nice wolf soup.
The next day the newspapers of Piggyville were full of articles praising the courage and ingenuity of the Third Little Pig. He gave interviews and went on Letterhog. He soon became a household name and, using the money from his blossoming house-building enterprise, he ran for mayor of Piggyville, on a ticket of strict fiscal conservatism and harsher immigration laws. "Wolves out of Piggyville!" was the rallying cry and he won in a landslide.
The Third Little Pig served for three terms before retiring and was widely recognized as one of the most successful and well-respected mayors in Piggyville history.
* * *
Of course, with all the wolves being run out of Piggyville by the newly instituted Minutepigs Brigade, they had to go somewhere. A wave of wolf refugees flowed out to the nearby lands, many of them going to the forests north of Piggyville.
In those forests lived a young girl named Little, Red Riding Hood. She was named that for her red hooded cloak, which shone brightly. She lived with her parents at the edge of the forest and her aging Grandma lived in the forest itself. Little, Red Riding Hood would often go to visit Grandma, bringing her food, flowers and her arthritis medication.
Little, Red Riding Hood had always known to be careful of wolves, but it had never really been a big problem before. Most of the wolves in those forests stayed away from the paths and rarely bothered Little, Red Riding Hood.
However, with the influx of wolf refugees from Piggyville and the resulting crash of the ecosystem, the forest was now overrun with wolves and there was not nearly enough food for all of them.
That's why one day, as Little, Red Riding Hood was walking along the forest path, on her way to Grandma's house, one wolf approached her.
"Any spare change, Miss?" the wolf asked, "Anything would be a help."
"No," said Little, Red Riding Hood, "I have no money and this food is for Grandma."
"Please," sobbed the wolf, "I haven't eaten in days. A mouthful, a bite, a crumb. Anything at all."
"No," cried Little, Red Riding Hood, "I've got nothing to spare." And she ran away frightened.
The wolf was crushed. He was at the point where he almost didn't feel hungry anymore. Then he remembered: "Grandma," he said to himself. He knew where that old lady lived. The house was deep in the forest, far from any road and there was no phonelines. The wolf sprang up and ran to Grandma's house.
* * *
When he arrived he found the old lady too skinny and weak to bother with. She was barely an appetizer. He settled in to wait for Little, Red Riding Hood. Little, Red Riding Hood soon came and entered the house. "Grandma," she called out, "It's me, Little, Red Riding Hood. I've got your food and medicine."
The wolf had been dozing in Grandma's bed and decided to try to trick Little, Red Riding Hood. He slipped on Grandma's nightgown and wig and called out in his best imitation of Grandma's voice, " I'm in here, Little, Red Riding Hood."
Little, Red Riding Hood entered the bedroom and said "Grandma, you know you shouldn't lie in bed all day. Here, let me open the curtains for you."
The wolf cried out, "Stop." He was scared that with the light, Little, Red Riding Hood would see that he wasn't Grandma. His mind raced and he blurted out the first excuse he could think of: "My medicine. I have to have my medicine now. Bring it here and then you can open the curtains."
"All right, Grandma," said Little, Red Riding Hood and she packed Grandma's pipe with a nice bowl. She went to the wolf and held up the pipe. Not wanting to attract suspicion yet, the wolf took the pipe and inhaled deeply. He broke out coughing, but said, "that's much better Little, Red Riding Hood. Now, come sit in Grandma's lap for a minute."
Little, Red Riding Hood took a step closer and said, "Goodness, Grandma, I never noticed how big your eyes are."
"The better to see you with," the wolf said, "Come closer."
"And what big ears you have, Grandma," said Little, Red Riding Hood, stepping closer again, almost in reach.
"The better to hear you with," said the wolf, "Closer now."
"And," said Little, Red Riding Hood, stepping right next to the wolf, "What a shiny Browning Hi-Power you have." And with the wolf still confused, she reached in under the pillow and drew out Grandma's favorite pistol and put three rounds center-mass in the wolf.
"Good, old Grandma," Little, Red Riding Hood thought, "She never would have coughed from one, little toke."